i woke up feeling like absolute shit today. i have a sore throat. a foggy head. it's like the kind of tired that sleep can't fix. had some tea for my throat and just sat there staring at the wall for like 20 minutes. tried to think about taking a shower but my body was just screaming for more sleep. i passed out for another three hours and still feel like i could sleep for days. this gray rainy weather isn't helping. it feels like the clouds are sitting inside my apartment. inside my head maybe. like everything's covered in this heavy wet blanket that won't go away. 

trying to get myself together to work in brooklyn today. i made a quick cup of black coffee and willing myself to move. sometimes the hardest thing is just putting one foot in front of the other. sometimes just getting dressed feels like climbing a mountain...

i finished reading "the alchemist" last night. i read the whole thing in one day. i couldn't put it down! there's something about it that just grabs you and doesn't let go. i might just have to read it again because i wish it wasn't over. it talks about everyone having a "personal legend", and about how when you really want something the whole universe conspires to help you get it. it makes me think about television skies. even on days like this when everything feels heavy and wrong, there's still this thing in my heart pulling me forward. telling me to keep going. maybe that's what the book was trying to say. listen to your heart and follow the omens...

gotta stop at the tattoo supply store before work. giving sarah a tattoo tomorrow! i need a couple new needles.

just wish the sun would come out...

love u,
ihor

i sat down to meditate this morning for the first time in like a month and a half. as soon as i got quiet everything around me got loud. my mind started screaming with all these thoughts and memories and feelings and noises and random bits of songs like a playlist playing every song at once. i never notice the tension until i actually stop moving. like really stop moving. like when i finally shut everything off and just sit there with myself...

i tried to focus on my breath but everything kept flooding in. thoughts. memories. sounds from the street. the sound of someone's music playing from their car somewhere down below. the way my hands felt heavy just sitting there on my legs. the way my mind kept trying to plan out the rest of the day even though i was just intending to be still. i could hear everything happening outside my window. someone laughing. a car horn. the sound of construction that never seems to end in this city. and somehow all of it felt louder than usual. like when you turn the lights off and suddenly your other senses get stronger.

at one point athena came over. i felt her lean up against me before climbing into my lap and there was a whole moment where i caught myself wanting to open my eyes just to check if it was her or phebe. of course i did. but then i had this thought... why did i need to know? why couldn't i just sit with not knowing who it was sitting with me? somehow that felt more important than the actual meditation. like maybe that was the real meditation. she curled up right there while i was trying to breathe and everything in me wanted to reach down and pet her. to make her stay. to show her i appreciated her being there. it felt like if i didn't she'd leave and feel hurt and somehow that would be wrong. i have a need to try to control these little moments. how much energy i spend trying to make sure everything goes exactly the way i think it should, as if somehow i can actually control any of it.

so i just sat there. kept my hands still. kept breathing. she got up after a minute. stretched, and walked away. and it was okay. of course!

so i think about how much time i spend trying to make sure nothing walks away. trying to give everyone a reason to stay. trying to be exactly what everyone needs exactly when they need it. even with athena. even in meditation. even in the moments when my intention is to just be still. it's like i'm always trying to keep everything and everyone exactly where i think they should be. most of it is just none of my business...

sometimes i wonder if that's what causes all the tension in the first place. all the trying. all the controlling. all the needing things to be a certain way. maybe that's why meditation feels so hard sometimes. because it shows us exactly how much we're holding onto.

maybe sometimes the best lessons come from watching a cat do exactly what a cat does. no people pleasing needed. no trying to make anything perfect. just being exactly what you are in that moment and letting everything else be what it is too. maybe that's what freedom actually feels like?

love u,
ihor

been thinking about time lately. how fast it moves when we're stuck in screens, and how beautifully slow it feels when we're not. started spending more mornings out on the balcony with athena and phebe, just watching them watch the world. there's something about holding a coffee and actually tasting it, actually feeling the warmth instead of rushing through it between emails or whatever.

finally got my debt sorted out which feels like the biggest exhale. funny how money stuff can sit in the back of your mind and color everything else without you realizing it.

speaking of colors, we're working on this new song called "angels" and in a way, we're painting with completely different shades than usual. really chill vibe, lots of layered harmonies floating around. cass is gonna help us with the mixing. there's this ethereal thing happening with the vocals, all these reverbs creating this space that feels both empty and full at the same time. the drum beat just kind of breathes underneath everything and vibes.

i've been trying to catch more sunrises. trying to let myself exist in moments without rushing through them. sometimes anxiety makes everything feel like it's on fast forward, and before you know it the sky's dark and another day disappeared. but lately i've been practicing the art of moving slow. watching my cats stretch in sun patches. letting thoughts drift like clouds.

maybe that's what "angels" is about, in some way. finding peace in the slow motion of things.

love u,
ihor