i sat down to meditate this morning for the first time in like a month and a half. as soon as i got quiet everything around me got loud. my mind started screaming with all these thoughts and memories and feelings and noises and random bits of songs like a playlist playing every song at once. i never notice the tension until i actually stop moving. like really stop moving. like when i finally shut everything off and just sit there with myself...

i tried to focus on my breath but everything kept flooding in. thoughts. memories. sounds from the street. the sound of someone's music playing from their car somewhere down below. the way my hands felt heavy just sitting there on my legs. the way my mind kept trying to plan out the rest of the day even though i was just intending to be still. i could hear everything happening outside my window. someone laughing. a car horn. the sound of construction that never seems to end in this city. and somehow all of it felt louder than usual. like when you turn the lights off and suddenly your other senses get stronger.

at one point athena came over. i felt her lean up against me before climbing into my lap and there was a whole moment where i caught myself wanting to open my eyes just to check if it was her or phebe. of course i did. but then i had this thought... why did i need to know? why couldn't i just sit with not knowing who it was sitting with me? somehow that felt more important than the actual meditation. like maybe that was the real meditation. she curled up right there while i was trying to breathe and everything in me wanted to reach down and pet her. to make her stay. to show her i appreciated her being there. it felt like if i didn't she'd leave and feel hurt and somehow that would be wrong. i have a need to try to control these little moments. how much energy i spend trying to make sure everything goes exactly the way i think it should, as if somehow i can actually control any of it.

so i just sat there. kept my hands still. kept breathing. she got up after a minute. stretched, and walked away. and it was okay. of course!

so i think about how much time i spend trying to make sure nothing walks away. trying to give everyone a reason to stay. trying to be exactly what everyone needs exactly when they need it. even with athena. even in meditation. even in the moments when my intention is to just be still. it's like i'm always trying to keep everything and everyone exactly where i think they should be. most of it is just none of my business...

sometimes i wonder if that's what causes all the tension in the first place. all the trying. all the controlling. all the needing things to be a certain way. maybe that's why meditation feels so hard sometimes. because it shows us exactly how much we're holding onto.

maybe sometimes the best lessons come from watching a cat do exactly what a cat does. no people pleasing needed. no trying to make anything perfect. just being exactly what you are in that moment and letting everything else be what it is too. maybe that's what freedom actually feels like?

love u,
ihor