the last couple days have been really weird. i'm not even sure how to describe any of it. motivation but exhaustion but inspiration but self doubt. am i doing enough? am i doing too much? does it really matter? what's the difference?

i feel like i have so much to say but no words to say any of it. i've been thinking about what i would write for two days now. i'm still not sure. meditating has been helpful even in the last several days, which isn't much. and sometimes, rarely, i can take a breath and calm down. but right now my anxiety feels like it's completely taking me over. i want solutions and i want a plan but i have no idea how to find one. i want to know for sure that everything will be alright.

everything moves too slowly and yet too fast. not enough time to get anything done yet it feels like i've been waiting for years. if something's going to change, eventually you need to see it starting to change. otherwise nothing is happening. that's all.

i'd like to float away into the sky, into a void of complete weightlessness. nothing to pull me in any direction. nothing to distract me. no consciousness. no identity. nothing. in my mind it feels like only then could i actually breathe deeply. really breathe. release all the tension.

i guess part of me is constantly seeking some form of that feeling. i just want to feel like i don't have a care in the world. like nothing matters. truly! even when i know nothing matters ultimately, i still worry, i still feel the pressure. i still need to survive and make money. i still need to eat and have a place to live. i wish at times that it would all go away.

i also wish i could spin this in some positive light. i wish i could have figured something out, some form of a way forward, but i feel like i'm probably in the same place i was in before. confused. maybe i just need a bright, sunny day and some good music.

something like that.