so i began meditating again this morning. i used to meditate all the time but recently, over the last year or so i've had a really hard time with it. i don't know why because i had actually made quite a good deal of progress. over the last 10 months or so i've seen my anxiety levels go through the roof, i have such a hard time calming myself down when i start stressing out. sometimes i feel like i have no tools to help myself stay balanced in life.

the other thing that happens is my creative freedom feels suffocated. at times i have no drive at all to be creative. from my perspective, that's not right. when my purpose in life is to create art and music, that force within myself is something i am responsible for keeping alive and well. that is of utmost importance, no matter what.

i have been fighting a losing battle for months now, to the point where i am discussing medication with my therapist. although i am not opposed to the idea if it helps me find that balance, i think it speaks to the level of, i suppose severity, of the situation. maybe "severity" is dramatic. for context, i have never been put on any mental health related medication in my life. maybe i should have been. but here i am, trying to find my way through all this and considering the option of taking pills to help my mind relax. and after fighting this battle for so long, i feel like i need a change. i really need a change.

there's so much i want to do and time continues on. there's no time to lose, so i feel compelled not to waste any. creatively, i want to make the most of everything i possibly can. i'm finding my creativity again making videos, editing and creating content on youtube. i am inspired. finding my way, i'm sure it's awkward in it's own way, but i am inspired. again, my job is to follow that impulse and explore whatever comes up. finding my creativity in writing. i am working on a book. who knows what that will be like but i have to try. today i'm going to the studio to record music with an incredible producer and i'm planning to make the absolute most of that. relax. let go. let everything go, and flow on. let things happen as they do. it's only music. it's so easy to stress out about these things. i don't know why but it is! i'm working on it. let go and let flow. i like that. gotta remember it.

so, for today i'm going to try to remember to just let things flow as they will. breathe through each moment. have fun with my creativity. that's the plan. ironic to plan such a thing. i'll be vlogging the day as well so there should be a fun little video at the end! keep and eye out for that!

ultimately the intention with this post is to talk for a moment about my plan to begin meditating again. the rhythm of finding my focus and looking inward, without any noise or distraction was something that grounded me. even if just a little bit. so, my intention is to meditate for 10 minutes every morning. i'll be checking in on youtube and talking my experience. maybe writing some posts on here as well!

i hope all of you are doing well, and if you feel compelled to meditate with me each morning definitely feel free to try it. it is a wonderful tool that helps create so much more out of the experence of life.

love ya,

ihor