i've been thinking a lot about mindfulness recently. i deal with serious anxiety, nearly everyday. sometimes i just want to implode. in the world we live in it can be so difficult to find balance between inner and outer life. there are so many distractions, so many things vying for attention from all different directions. there is pressure from all sides. it's incredible that anyone is sane at all...

i think that's why paying attention and trying to live in a conscious way is critical. we have to find a way to maintain any semblance of balance. I often find myself reacting without even thinking, almost as if my mind, after all the stimulation and noise, just doesn't have the capacity to regulate itself anymore.

i think i can make more of an effort to quiet that noise though. i have always been interested in meditation and i've spent years practicing it. i guess that goes to show how much practice it really requires. after nearly 5 years i can confidently say i suck at meditating and i still don't understand myself. but maybe it's not about that. it's just about the practice. the process of sucking and not understanding yourself is it. you're already there, if you can see it in front of you.

there have been times when, instead of reacting, i am able to pull myself back, out of the situation and see things with a little space. this helps me understand what is really going on objectively, without letting my emotions completely take over. this also gives me an opportunity to make a choice. having even two seconds before i respond is enough sometimes. in that moment i can choose between bringing a better, wiser version of myself to the situation or i can choose to be immature like there's a little kid that just wants to yell and scream at everyone after which my job is just to say "thank you, you can be quiet and sit down now". that kid is not me. that kid was me when i was that kid but that was a long time ago. we evolve.

if i'm not careful that little fucker will completely take over. he brings out the absolute worst in me cause he doesn't have any empathy for anyone, not even the people i love. he's got his head so far up his own ass that he would ruin me without a moment's notice, all in the name of loyalty and 'I'm gonna take care of you". you don't know what the hell you're doing you immature piece of shit. sit down and be quiet.

i have enough anxiety in a day to last the whole month so i don't need that kind of child running my internal world. in the end, i hold the reins and i make the decisions. i decide how i respond to what life throws at me.

it may take time but it's time we'll spent. when time is all there is, the most valuable thing in life, it's time we'll spent. because in those moments time slows down and you have an opportunity to be right there with it. sink your teeth in and take everything you can because in that moment you are more alive than you've ever been.

love u,

ihor